Dating Chronicles: An Introduction [UnHinged]

All names throughout this column have been changed.

It’s time that I let you guys in on a little secret. I’ve never been on a date. Well, I’ve never been on a date to my knowledge. There have been a few times that I thought I was hanging out with a friend, only to have him put his arm around me. After that, it was time to fake a homework assignment and head home.

Having a boyfriend definitely has its perks. For one, my roommate and I over the summer forgot to take out our trash for four weeks straight. At which time it rained twice and reached over 110 degrees Fahrenheit. So we called my roommate’s boyfriend, Jace. Jace took the trash out for us, and when Jace discovered the maggots who had taken up shelter in the trashbin, he spent 20 minutes in the front yard cleaning them out. That is a unanimous boyfriend perk.

However, it also seems like quite a needy and time-consuming situation to me. My mom always scoffs at me when I say this, but I know she sees the truth. When I’m going to school, doing homework, studying, working an internship and a job, and participating in clubs the only thing I want to do when I have free time is spend time with my friends looking completely deranged. Movie nights in Blakely’s dorm that have me questioning reality, sitting in our city’s park on a blanket for hours digressing, or going to workout classes together. As Abigail Barlow says in her song Heartbreak Hotel, “I don’t need a boyfriend / that shit’s full-time employment.”

The thing about studying abroad though, especially in Europe, everyone gets dating profiles. It’s not particularly about actually finding someone, it’s just about seeing who is around and having some entertainment. You can also match with locals, get the insight scoop on places to go, and then slowly dwindle out the conversation.

The other night Maeve, Nola, and I were sitting in a dark pizza restaurant as it poured down rain outside. We were there far longer than we planned because none of us had an umbrella or jacket but we did have a 15-minute walk home. These are always the scenarios in which bad decisions are made, and this decision for all of us was to get Hinge.

Like any toxic woman, I enjoy the chase far more than the event. The initial talking is fun, but the thought of meeting up with any of these guys is beyond my wildest imagination. How awkward! You met them online! I’m like this with a lot of other things as well – like networking, talking to professionals, getting an interview, and then when the reality hits that I am a strong candidate for the role, I start to question if I actually want to do it.

In the end, I must admit that I downloaded the app strictly for content purposes. I read through different newspapers a lot and recently came upon Cosmopolitan’s “Dating Diaries” and got hooked. I wanted to do something like that, and getting the stories from a dating app is the ultimate Gen-Z way to do it. 

It also provides content in the sense that my friends back home are being strung along by me, given entertainment simply because of the absolute chaos I have endured while in Spain. They will appreciate the new stories.

So in a brand new column, we will all get to go along on the journey that is Hinge.

Yours truly,

Calihan

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